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Discovering motherhood…one poopy diaper at a time.

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I thought I would share my day with the internuts.

I think I will backtrack a bit to add that Friday night was spent in a battle of wits.  Vince and I vs. Christmas tree lights.  They nearly kicked our ass.  We ended up tossing the majority of our cumulative collection in the garbage.  And that was the most enjoyable part of the whole experience.  Well, not really, I suppose I really did enjoy making up mean songs about Christmas lights to the tune of several Christmas songs.  But I would enjoy that sort of thing.

Now, moving on to the Saturday festivities…

I awoke to the invite for breakfast and to laundry. This starts out pretty exciting, eh?  Then on to breakfast at IHOP, which was yummy delicious, where my child proceeded to act spastic near the end of our excursion.  She took a power nap of 20 minutes on the way home and then proceeded to be all bouncy, so we decided to pack her lunch and torture ourselves at the mall.  We managed to kill two birds with one stone:  1) we got Kira’s picture taken with Santa for the first time ever and 2) we did her first ever Build-a-Bear because I had a coupon (I lurves me some coupon savings!!).

The mall traffic sucked ASS!  The insane traffic, the crowded stores and just the simple fact that it is a mall is why I try to avoid ever going there.  I know, I know…I am not a girl, well at least not in the sterotypical “liking to shop” sort of way.  Trust me, my husband can and HAS out-shopped me by a long shot.

We lost Vince at a cool pub decor store and went to BAB.  Kira immediately grabbed FOUR unstuffed animals, a polar bear, a kitteh, and 2 different teddy bears and latched onto them like a leech.  We waited for Vince and waited and waited until I realized I didn’t have my cell phone.  So, I pried the unstuffed animals from Kira’s firm grip and went looking for him…no such luck, so we headed back and called his mobile from the BAB store phone.  No answer, gah!

He finally strolls in and we get Kira a polar bear.  She did quite well for such a tiny girl, she even pressed the pedal all by herself to blow the stuffing in.  She kept her death-grip on her polar bear until I fed her in line for Santa.

Ah, the first Santa experience…I walk her up to him and she starts screaming and crying.  Most likely to the horror of most of the other parents waiting in line, I hand her over to this Santa stranger, step back and tell the lady to take the picture tears, smiles or whatever we get…I WANT THIS PICTURE!  So, we got pictures with Santa and the lady did manage to distract her enough to get the “what, are you nuts?!?” glare from my kid.  I love it!  Then they stuck it to us for $20 for 2 5 x 7′s.  That is crazy shit.  I assure you next year we will try another approach, like the Breakfast with Santa event or something.  It couldn’t possibly be worse than the effing mall.

At this point Kira was wiped out, as were we.  We came home and she napped for all of an hour, maybe.  We ate dinner and then I got peed on a little.  And then I knelt in the pee.  Hmm…I think that will be all for today!

Tomorrow we shall have our first family portrait done, dinner with family and then I shall hopefully get a good night sleep before I proceed with intentionally making my child ill by giving her milk to drink.  Doctors are so sadistic…

Oh, I almost forgot to mention that on the way to breakfast I threw Kira’s sippy cup of apple-banana juice into my purse and upon arrival discovered that the lid wasn’t secure and about half the sippy cup emptied into my purse!  This was quite funny until I realized this evening that my MP3 player was in there…YIKES!  I am just hoping that it isn’t f.u.b.a.r.

All in all, it was a crazy day and I had a great time!!!

I am having a bad mom day.

I don’t feel like I am cut out for this.

Does/Has anyone else feel/felt this way?  I am sure it is normal, but damn it cuts deep.
An excerpt from an IM between me and my ever-so-supportive husband (and good dad), it is brutally honest about how i feel today, so be warned.  Don’t judge me to harshly or if you do fuck off and keep it to yourself.

me: i feel like all i’ve done is fight all day and i don’t think i am cut out for being a mother, at least not a good one.

Cybr: The fact that you can survive days like this show that you are a good mother.  A bad mother would have done something they should regret

me: i just sit here and cry…occasionally yell, mostly at the dogs and cats but once at kira today

i hate this temper (tantrum) shit
i hate that she won’t nap when she can’t even stand (because she’s so tired)
i hate that i yelled at her
i hate that i don’t know what to do or if what i do is right
i hate that she calls your name when i don’t go in her room after about 10 minutes of screaming
i am so burned out right now
i think i need meds to cope with being a mom and i hate that too.
i am a shitty mom if i have to be medicated to do it
Cybr: you are doing good you just don’t give yourself enough credit
you do great with Kira, you should be proud
there are going to be bad days for both of you…  she’s probably feeling sick from us or something else…  its going to happen
you are sick and I’m around sick people so its only a matter of time till she gets something
hell we’ve been extremely lucky in that area so far
its been almost a year and how many times has she TRULY been sick?  Not many.

Most of the time, if Kira is fussy or crabby, I find it rather easy to get a smile and a laugh from her…

Simply put a diaper on my head.  It cracks her up.

I believe this may be the early stages of toilet humor, lol.

I have a food allergy baby on my hands.  No milk, soy, eggs, or peanut butter allowed.  It does bad things.  We know for certain the milk and soy do VERY BAD THINGS and we are under a doctor order to avoid the other things…unless we just feel sadistic enough to give it a try and see if we land in the ER.  After all the milk and soy issues, I am not willing to go there for the time being.  I like when my baby girl feels good and we have NORMAL day-to-day activities that don’t include severe skin rash, diarrhea, and projectile vomiting.  Call me crazy, if you will.

So, I would be willing to bet that any parent that has endured food allergies with their infant has experienced how FREAKING DIFFICULT it is to figure out what to feed them.  Most especially, during the transition to solid food or if, like my child, as soon as they figure out finger food and feeding themselves, they vehemently refuse ALL pureed food, anything served on a spoon and/or fed TO them by a parent.

Breakfast is, in my opinion, the most difficult meal to come up with something filling, healthy and not all sugar.

My little one will NOT accept any baby cereal, oatmeal, cream of wheat or rice.  Nada.  Won’t take it.  I kept trying and trying, but ultimately I choose not to continue that battle.  It is not worth the screaming that rings my ears and the frustrations caused to both her and I.

This led me to do a lot of Googling in hopes of discovering something more than cut fruit and Cheerios to feed my 9-12 month old…

I found a recipe for Baby Cereal Pancakes, however, the recipe contains egg yolks and milk, which my daughter cannot have.  So I started experimenting with the recipe and can finally say the the 3rd time IS IN FACT the charm.  My third batch is not only a success in that the end result actually resembles a pancake, but that my kid actually ate one and seemed to enjoy it.  WOOT!!!!!!

I thought I would share my recipe for anyone out there struggling with the same issues…I would hope that any other mommy’s out there in the blogosphere will consider doing the same (sharing!) if they happen to be dealing with food allergies and the struggle for variety and nutrition in their allergy kid’s diet.

Baby Cereal Pancakes

1/2 cup baby cereal oatmeal (or barley)
1/2 cup whole wheat flour
1/2 cup baby formula (or milk, soy, rice milk…whatever your child can have)
1/2 cup of applesauce
roughly 1/2 cup of apple juice to start
cinnamon, vanilla extract and/or a mashed up fruit of choice, like banana (optional)

mix all this up and add a dash of water if it is still thick, you want to add a little water or juice until the consistency will pour off the spoon or run through the slats of a fork…not like watery, but it should pour onto the skillet.

I use a non-stick skillet to avoid using butter because my child cannot have butter.  Depending on your child, you may want to use a little butter melted in the skillet or non stick spray…or whatever you do if you make normal pancakes.

Pour whatever size pancakes you want and cook until brown on bottom, then flip and brown the other side.  Low-Med. Low heat.

I make them small and add a little Karo syrup (like a drop or two) and spread it over the top or I spread a pureed fruit like apple sauce, pears…or whatever fruit you want…on top.

Good luck!

By the way, I tasted them and they actually do taste good!

I should preface this by saying that this was already poop #3 of the day and it wasn’t yet one o’clock in the afternoon…

I began by placing my child on the floor in front of me to change a stinky poopy diaper but she was more interested in being free like the wind, which makes keeping her still and on her back a difficult task.  She wiggled to break free of me while I reasoned with a 10 month old to stick around long enough to get a new diaper on…yeah, fat chance of that working.  As I explained to her the importance of having patience  (ironic, since I have none myself) and how she can make time to allow a quick diaper change (I mean, I kinda make her schedule so there’s no getting around the fact that she has the time!), she chewed on the face of a monkey, occasionally attempting to make a break for it.

Okay, poopy diaper off, butt clean, and new diaper on, sparing no time to safely roll the poop into the dirty diaper in hope of that being enough seconds spared to get the new diaper securely fastened.

As I fasten the last tab, Kira, in one swift motion, rolls over into a downward dog and springs up onto her feet and takes a step over my legs to escape.

No problem…

Except now that I am reaching for the poopy diaper to roll it up and discard it, I realize the poop is missing.

Yes, I said the poop is MISSING!

I look at Kira and exclaim, “THE POOP IS MISSING!” in a humorously alarmed tone.  She looks back at me curiously as I, on hands and knees, look all over the living room and even UNDER the sofa for a turd.  I mean, really, how difficult can it be to find a TURD in the LIVING ROOM?!?  I am uncertain where else to look and I have not yet located said turd, so again I look to Kira and say with an underlying tone of both defeat and laughter, “I don’t know where the poop is. Do you see the stinky poopy?”.

This is the point of the story in which my 10 month old child, who has a very timely, witty and slightly “off” sense of humor already, looks right at me and raises her right leg straight out in front of her exposing the bottom of her foot where there is an infant shoe size 2 turd.

Ah, now the case of the missing poop has been solved…I may now move on to less stinky things.

If there were an award as such, it would go to the dickhead featured in this news story.

I have been annoyed by the incessant, shrill cries of a child in a public place.  I also have the free-will and wherewithal to LEAVE if I can’t deal with it, certainly that would make more sense the repeated striking of a 2 year old in the face by a complete stranger.

In this story, it explains how the man threatened the mother that “if she couldn’t shut the kid up, then he would”…then, when the child continued to cry in another aisle, he proceeded with hitting her in the face four or five times.

You see…maybe I am a little crazy, maybe just perfectly normal, or maybe I simply tend to respond quickly in most situations…either way, just those words alone would have sent me off into a blazing hot, angry like a bear that has been poked with a hot stick rage of protecting my child.

Now, I am not trying to scold the mother for not reacting faster or with violent retaliation…but I certainly do not understand her quick forgiveness.  I am a forgiving person, but I am thinking that a little bit of anger is in order for now and then forgiveness a little later.  She is either full of crap and putting on for the media or I guess she is more forgiving than most people I have encountered.

No matter, I can assure you that if I were in the mother’s shoes, I would have potentially been arrested along with the crazy bastard that hit my kid repeatedly.  I would have tackled his sorry ass and wailed on him with a vengeance.  I am not saying that behaving violently and being arrested in  front of my kid in response to a violent attack is THE BEST or THE RIGHT thing to do…but perhaps it is.  Even though some of you may see it as setting the example of violence being acceptable, I am personally of the opinion that (a mother) defending her child IS acceptable be it violent or not, circumstantially speaking.  I feel that doing nothing is worse for the child than doing something.

Aug
7
Hey.

I just thought I’d stop in and say hello.

This has been a hell of a year.

I’ve become a mom and all the glory and glamour that entails.  I have been jumping through hoops to try to find out what is up with my kid’s digestive system and allergies.  I have been feeling the pressure of new parenthood on my marriage, my daily life, and my self in general.  I have been hoping for time to pursue a photography career, but not quite been able to make time the way I’d like to.  I have been blogging (harhar).

So, you get it, this has been a crazy year so far.  And it’s not over yet!  Thankfully.  AS IF I need the years to pass any faster than they already do.

My point, you ask? Now I am sick.  No, not just sick and tired.  Actually sick.  Ill.  I am awaiting some bloodwork, some has been done already, and waiting for answers.  It is looking like a variety of problems that may or may not include: low thyroid, low potassium, kidney issues of some variety, and leaning toward type 2 diabetes.  This does not appeal to me.  Nothing on this list actually appeals to me. Although, I must say, if I knew what was wrong then perhaps I could fix it and then feel better.  That is what I’m looking forward to.

I suppose motherhood has been harder on me than I suspected…I mean, I expected some gray hairs (no worries, got those, too!) but I apparently get a bonus health of an 80 year old package! wOOt!

Kidding, of course.  I am expecting to be fine because in all honesty and humor aside, the one thing motherhood has given me for certain that trumps all this other medical b.s. is a reason to be here for a long, long time and a reason to be healthy, healthier, perhaps even healthiest…or whatever that means.  In a nut shell…I am not worried because I am not going anywhere but right here participating in my kid growing into an adult.

I was stubborn before, but I think I may have just taken it to an all new level.

Think healthy thoughts for me, say prayers, send healing vibes…whatever you do, it’s all welcome.  Thanks!

Today is my 3rd wedding anniversary.  We both forgot about it, as you may have read at cybrpunk.com.

Happy Anniversary!  We can celebrate in a week or so when I get back from Chicago…assuming I survive the remainder of the week with 7 kids!

Yeah, I said 7.

There is one 8 month old, two 3 year olds, one 5 year old, two 6 year olds and 12 year old.  Yikes.  I say that with less enthusiasm after 4 days with them, as they are wearing me down.  I know for certain that they are all really good kids; however, I also know for certain that I may never have more than one (possibly two)…and I am debating keeping the one I’ve got.

A week with this many kids makes you yell a lot more than you would prefer, it makes you more tired than you ever imagined possible, it makes you laugh more than usual, laugh harder than usual, and gets your blood pressure higher than is healthy.

In other news, my baby girl is having some issues and some milestones.  While I turned my head for a brief moment, she took a hit off a soy milk filled sippy cup on Monday which she and I both have been paying dearly for ever since.  She is starting to feel better, but still having some issues with a raw, red butt and diarrhea…oh, and an eczema flare up.  She has been saying “momma” for a week, started it last Thursday and hasn’t stopped saying it since.  It is funny how that is the best moment ever when your child starts calling you momma, then after a few years you get so sick of hearing it you consider the witness protection program.  Her first REAL teeth, for those of you who saw her FAKE first teeth (hehe), have come through and can be felt and seen clearly now.  It is the bottom two.  Awe, my baby is getting so big.

See you soon, Vince, and I’ll take you up on the celebration when I get home!

I try to share my personal parental miseries, failures, triumphs and other human moments with all of you with the utmost honesty…however, lately I have been barely capable of keeping my nose above the waterline, thus the temporary lack of anything worth writing.  There has been a lot going on here on our home-front and a lot going on around me with loved-ones.

I have had to pass on several (much needed!) opportunities to hang out with friends, have a drink, and regroup because there is just a lot of demand on my priorities lately.  While necessary, this has left me drained, stressed, and insomnious…which is taking its toll on me physically.

This is obviously just one of those times that are a dreadful, necessary part of life and it, too, will pass.

If only I could get some reassurance that I am going to come out on the other side sometime in the near future, that would really help.  But since that isn’t likely, I suppose I will just keep chugging along.

I have recently gained a bit of insight, if only it sticks with me.  I imagine that this will.  I have been greatly in need of a better attitude toward my situation as a SAHM and the set-backs that creates with all other aspects of me and my former self.  I have been needing to find a more serene place to exist where, although there are many things I’d like to be accomplishing right this very moment, I am happy just spending time with my child and making the most out of these days that we will never get back.  I have been needing to let go of all the things I’d like to be pursuing and just be in the moment.  This is hard for me because I am the type of person that decides, “oh, hey, I think I will (fill in the blank)” and I do it.  Not tomorrow, but as soon as it crosses my mind.  I can’t do that right now, I have to wait for the opportunity and I have to manage my time accordingly.  This isn’t working for me and I have had a terrible attitude about it for a while now…

Well, here is where I gain some insight.

I have been presented with a potential challenge to my child’s health, which I do not care to elaborate on at this time, and I have decided that just the potential for her to have a serious health concern is enough to open my eyes WIDE to how good I’ve got it.  On the bright side to this potential bad thing, there is this insight that nothing I aspire to do or be is more important than even 10 minutes of my day spent with my little girl even doing the most mundane activity, even doing nothing at all.

Mostly, I am adjusted to my new life as a mom.

There is one hang-up I still have:  Wishing my life now more closely resembled my life pre-baby.

I know.  It is a selfish hang-up.  But it is how I feel. 

I have been back home for 5 days from a girls-trip to Florida and I can honestly say that no matter the fact I missed Kira terribly while I was away…I still didn’t want to come home.  I wanted more time to myself, with my friends, on the beach.  I thought about how many times in my pre-baby life I’d thought about moving to the beach and being a beach-bum for a living.  I’d be good at it.  I could spend 8-10 hours a day on the beach renting out chairs and umbrellas…hell, I think I was made for that job.  I dreaded coming home.  And, yes, I certainly do realize EXACTLY how bad that sounds.

At one point, my wishful thinking included Kira as I considered the thought of her and I heading off to the sand and shores.  I tried to include Vince, although that was more dificult since he isn’t exactly a beach loving person, but I did try

After much debate and reverie during my final moments in the sand and surf, I realized that all these thoughts are a direct result of one thing and one thing only:

I still long for the freedom to come and go as I please.  The freedom to walk out the door and not come back, even though I am by nature a more responsible person than that.  The freedom to take a loooong vacation and to move to the beach for good, if I so choose.  The freedom to vacation with Vince where ever we want to go.  The freedom to grab my wallet and go shopping on a whim.  To lay out in the sun and read a book for hours on end.  To go have a drink with my friends, to do whatever, whenever, wherever…

I still long for that freedom…

It makes me feel incredibly selfish and guilty, even just thinking it. 

I love Kira in a way that I have never loved anyone, anything…and that is saying so much, because I love hard everytime I love.  But this is so different, loving this child that grew inside my body.  This child that looks like me, this child who has my blood pumping through her veins, her heart.

I would never even consider leaving her, I can’t even get a clear image of what my life from this point on would be like without her, and God forbid if anything ever takes her from me…I can’t even try to think how I would/could go on, it makes me tremble and shudder at even the thought.  Even with all that love…even still, I wish for the freedom I know I can never have.

I am curious if it ever goes away.  If this is something all parents feel or if my being thirty-something as a first time parent makes this feeling even stronger.

I’d love to hear what you have to say on the subject.