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Discovering motherhood…one poopy diaper at a time.

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Posts Tagged ‘funny’

This is my favorite gift Kira received for Christmas, courtesy of grandma and grandpa Hat (because they always have on ball caps, lol).

It is a chainsaw.  I love it.

chainsaw2

Santa brought the apron, but don’t let the butterflies fool you…she is a little tiny, twisted version of both her parents with her slightly devious gleam in her eye.  I think she’s thinking the same thing I am…Halloween either 2010 or 2011, there will DEFINITELY be a Baby Leatherface costume in the works.

Mwahahahahaha!!!

I thought I would share my day with the internuts.

I think I will backtrack a bit to add that Friday night was spent in a battle of wits.  Vince and I vs. Christmas tree lights.  They nearly kicked our ass.  We ended up tossing the majority of our cumulative collection in the garbage.  And that was the most enjoyable part of the whole experience.  Well, not really, I suppose I really did enjoy making up mean songs about Christmas lights to the tune of several Christmas songs.  But I would enjoy that sort of thing.

Now, moving on to the Saturday festivities…

I awoke to the invite for breakfast and to laundry. This starts out pretty exciting, eh?  Then on to breakfast at IHOP, which was yummy delicious, where my child proceeded to act spastic near the end of our excursion.  She took a power nap of 20 minutes on the way home and then proceeded to be all bouncy, so we decided to pack her lunch and torture ourselves at the mall.  We managed to kill two birds with one stone:  1) we got Kira’s picture taken with Santa for the first time ever and 2) we did her first ever Build-a-Bear because I had a coupon (I lurves me some coupon savings!!).

The mall traffic sucked ASS!  The insane traffic, the crowded stores and just the simple fact that it is a mall is why I try to avoid ever going there.  I know, I know…I am not a girl, well at least not in the sterotypical “liking to shop” sort of way.  Trust me, my husband can and HAS out-shopped me by a long shot.

We lost Vince at a cool pub decor store and went to BAB.  Kira immediately grabbed FOUR unstuffed animals, a polar bear, a kitteh, and 2 different teddy bears and latched onto them like a leech.  We waited for Vince and waited and waited until I realized I didn’t have my cell phone.  So, I pried the unstuffed animals from Kira’s firm grip and went looking for him…no such luck, so we headed back and called his mobile from the BAB store phone.  No answer, gah!

He finally strolls in and we get Kira a polar bear.  She did quite well for such a tiny girl, she even pressed the pedal all by herself to blow the stuffing in.  She kept her death-grip on her polar bear until I fed her in line for Santa.

Ah, the first Santa experience…I walk her up to him and she starts screaming and crying.  Most likely to the horror of most of the other parents waiting in line, I hand her over to this Santa stranger, step back and tell the lady to take the picture tears, smiles or whatever we get…I WANT THIS PICTURE!  So, we got pictures with Santa and the lady did manage to distract her enough to get the “what, are you nuts?!?” glare from my kid.  I love it!  Then they stuck it to us for $20 for 2 5 x 7′s.  That is crazy shit.  I assure you next year we will try another approach, like the Breakfast with Santa event or something.  It couldn’t possibly be worse than the effing mall.

At this point Kira was wiped out, as were we.  We came home and she napped for all of an hour, maybe.  We ate dinner and then I got peed on a little.  And then I knelt in the pee.  Hmm…I think that will be all for today!

Tomorrow we shall have our first family portrait done, dinner with family and then I shall hopefully get a good night sleep before I proceed with intentionally making my child ill by giving her milk to drink.  Doctors are so sadistic…

Oh, I almost forgot to mention that on the way to breakfast I threw Kira’s sippy cup of apple-banana juice into my purse and upon arrival discovered that the lid wasn’t secure and about half the sippy cup emptied into my purse!  This was quite funny until I realized this evening that my MP3 player was in there…YIKES!  I am just hoping that it isn’t f.u.b.a.r.

All in all, it was a crazy day and I had a great time!!!

Uh…that would be the cartoon characters, not the half-naked, dancing men.

Yeah, so I have been sleeping MUCH better lately.  Yay for the melatonin supplement I’ve been taking!  It really works, apparently, as I am actually able to fall and mostly stay asleep and even have REM cycles.  I really like REM cycles.  I am a SERIOUSLY ANGRY BEAR when I am sleep deprived.

Oh…a little side note for those of you who think like my husband…I am taking melaTONIN, not melaNOMA.  Seriously, he is so weird.

But anyway, back to my dreams.  I am dreaming and remembering them, which is like being reunited with an old friend of mine.  I love remembering my dreams, they add extra color to my life.

So, this particular dream, myself, my husband, my friends, and (yes) Chip and Dale the cartoon characters from the days of yore are on a fishing boat in the ocean and we are fishing for sharks of all things.   We aren’t having much luck, so Chip (or perhaps Dale, as if it matters, lol) offer to be the bait.  This works, we catch a shark.  Then, when we are certain that Chip (or is it Dale?) has met his fate inside the belly of this ginormous shark, his voice startles all of us as he is looking on wondering what we are all doing standing around looking at a shark.

Then I woke up to a screaming baby.

Don’t you wish you knew what happens next?  I doubt it!

In case the friends are reading this, I intend to name you so that you  know I have weird dreams about sharks and cartoon chipmunks (wearing next to nothing!) and YOU ARE INCLUDED!  Heather, Dan and Athena…you were all there!!  Mwahahahahaha!!!

Most of the time, if Kira is fussy or crabby, I find it rather easy to get a smile and a laugh from her…

Simply put a diaper on my head.  It cracks her up.

I believe this may be the early stages of toilet humor, lol.

I should preface this by saying that this was already poop #3 of the day and it wasn’t yet one o’clock in the afternoon…

I began by placing my child on the floor in front of me to change a stinky poopy diaper but she was more interested in being free like the wind, which makes keeping her still and on her back a difficult task.  She wiggled to break free of me while I reasoned with a 10 month old to stick around long enough to get a new diaper on…yeah, fat chance of that working.  As I explained to her the importance of having patience  (ironic, since I have none myself) and how she can make time to allow a quick diaper change (I mean, I kinda make her schedule so there’s no getting around the fact that she has the time!), she chewed on the face of a monkey, occasionally attempting to make a break for it.

Okay, poopy diaper off, butt clean, and new diaper on, sparing no time to safely roll the poop into the dirty diaper in hope of that being enough seconds spared to get the new diaper securely fastened.

As I fasten the last tab, Kira, in one swift motion, rolls over into a downward dog and springs up onto her feet and takes a step over my legs to escape.

No problem…

Except now that I am reaching for the poopy diaper to roll it up and discard it, I realize the poop is missing.

Yes, I said the poop is MISSING!

I look at Kira and exclaim, “THE POOP IS MISSING!” in a humorously alarmed tone.  She looks back at me curiously as I, on hands and knees, look all over the living room and even UNDER the sofa for a turd.  I mean, really, how difficult can it be to find a TURD in the LIVING ROOM?!?  I am uncertain where else to look and I have not yet located said turd, so again I look to Kira and say with an underlying tone of both defeat and laughter, “I don’t know where the poop is. Do you see the stinky poopy?”.

This is the point of the story in which my 10 month old child, who has a very timely, witty and slightly “off” sense of humor already, looks right at me and raises her right leg straight out in front of her exposing the bottom of her foot where there is an infant shoe size 2 turd.

Ah, now the case of the missing poop has been solved…I may now move on to less stinky things.

My sweetie just gave me this t-shirt as a surprise!  I LOVE this shirt!

I am accepting it as an early Mother’s Day gift…

shirt-woot

Copied from an actual IM:

me: hi

Cybrpunk13: hello

me: if i make a shape of an oval section of an image, how do i invert the shape selection to select the outside of the shape so that i can delete the portion of the image i do not want? (the keystrokes)
Cybrpunk13: CTRL+SHIFT+i

me: thanks, i couldn’t remember…

me:  how do i make my kid sleep and stop this silliness?
Cybrpunk13: LOL
what is she doing?
me: she is exhausted but refuses to sleep
she keeps looking at me when i am there and doing “stuff” to stay awake
Cybrpunk13: CTRL+SHIFT+S

me: thanks
i’ll let you know how that works

Sent at 9:42 AM on Tuesday