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Discovering motherhood…one poopy diaper at a time.

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Today was Kira’s 1st Birthday party.  It was such a great success.  Family and friends visiting, cupcakes (both allergy-free and regular!), Kira playing outside with other kids and seeing her surrounded by love.  She was also fairly responsive to her gifts, which everyone so generously brought for her.  She didn’t have much interest in opening her gifts, but she sure did enjoy them once they were opened. She grabbed an Elmo and ran, grabbed a baby and hugged her, and danced to a musical puppy.

As much as this is a celebration of Kira’s first year of life, it is also more than that.  It is a celebration of being a family for a year, for Kira’s amazing growth physically and mentally this past year, for all of us surviving each other for a year.  It really has been an amazing year.  Trying and difficult, wonderful and joyful, endearing and educational.  I have grown as much, possibly more, as Kira has this past year but in a different way.

I am a better person.  More aware of others, of myself, more patient and I have an entirely different perspective on love than ever before.

I have Kira, my love, to thank for all that.  I thank her for this most wonderful year and for her most wonderful self.

Happy 1st Birthday Party, Kira Barie!!

We will be taking Kira out in her Babyzilla costume (as I have deemed it) tomorrow for her first Halloween and first Trick or Treating.

I am really looking forward to many her first Halloween and many, many more to follow.  We are taking her by two of her grandparents and by a local police station where her uncle works.

Then, since she is allergic to most everything and she is too little for most candy, we shall take candy from our baby.  And we shall eat it, too!

I am going to post a gripe.

I may be whining, bitching and/or complaining, but it’s my blog and my perogative.

I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.  I am even more sick and tired of seeing doctors and getting no help, no diagnosis.  I am at the end of my rope.  I don’t even know what to do or where to go from here.

If it weren’t for the fact that this most recent doctor stated directly to me that he “believes I have something very real happening” and that it is not in my head, then I think that I would, at this point, be inclined to start believing it to all be in my head.

Unfortunately, this specialist said outright that he cannot help me.  He wants to but he doesn’t know how, it is beyond what he is capable of.  Wow.  That is frighteningly human of a doctor to admit to that.

He also informed me that after a month of testing my glucose levels and having been diagnosed with diabetes, he is retracting his original diagnosis because even without medication my numbers look good.  He said I am riding the fence between being diabetic and NOT being diabetic and that I need to keep my diet, weight and exercise in check, as well as occasionally testing myself just to see how my sugar level is.

So, not being diabetic is good news.  But it also kind of sets me back a notch as far as a diagnosis.  Now there is nothing to blame my symptoms on and I have to start all over.

I honestly am feeling a bit defeated.  Even the doc doesn’t know where to send me.  He suggested I call Wash. U and see if they can recommend someone that has more ability to “experiment” with my symptoms.  In other words, he has no idea.  If he doesn’t know, then how the hell should I know.  I don’t know if I can continue.  I don’t even know where to begin.

I suppose, as much as it sounds like I am just feeling sorry for myself to say this, that I will just wait until something more dreadful happens and in the meanwhile just try to deal with feeling like shit all the time.

Meh.

I am having a bad mom day.

I don’t feel like I am cut out for this.

Does/Has anyone else feel/felt this way?  I am sure it is normal, but damn it cuts deep.
An excerpt from an IM between me and my ever-so-supportive husband (and good dad), it is brutally honest about how i feel today, so be warned.  Don’t judge me to harshly or if you do fuck off and keep it to yourself.

me: i feel like all i’ve done is fight all day and i don’t think i am cut out for being a mother, at least not a good one.

Cybr: The fact that you can survive days like this show that you are a good mother.  A bad mother would have done something they should regret

me: i just sit here and cry…occasionally yell, mostly at the dogs and cats but once at kira today

i hate this temper (tantrum) shit
i hate that she won’t nap when she can’t even stand (because she’s so tired)
i hate that i yelled at her
i hate that i don’t know what to do or if what i do is right
i hate that she calls your name when i don’t go in her room after about 10 minutes of screaming
i am so burned out right now
i think i need meds to cope with being a mom and i hate that too.
i am a shitty mom if i have to be medicated to do it
Cybr: you are doing good you just don’t give yourself enough credit
you do great with Kira, you should be proud
there are going to be bad days for both of you…  she’s probably feeling sick from us or something else…  its going to happen
you are sick and I’m around sick people so its only a matter of time till she gets something
hell we’ve been extremely lucky in that area so far
its been almost a year and how many times has she TRULY been sick?  Not many.

Most of the time, if Kira is fussy or crabby, I find it rather easy to get a smile and a laugh from her…

Simply put a diaper on my head.  It cracks her up.

I believe this may be the early stages of toilet humor, lol.

I have a food allergy baby on my hands.  No milk, soy, eggs, or peanut butter allowed.  It does bad things.  We know for certain the milk and soy do VERY BAD THINGS and we are under a doctor order to avoid the other things…unless we just feel sadistic enough to give it a try and see if we land in the ER.  After all the milk and soy issues, I am not willing to go there for the time being.  I like when my baby girl feels good and we have NORMAL day-to-day activities that don’t include severe skin rash, diarrhea, and projectile vomiting.  Call me crazy, if you will.

So, I would be willing to bet that any parent that has endured food allergies with their infant has experienced how FREAKING DIFFICULT it is to figure out what to feed them.  Most especially, during the transition to solid food or if, like my child, as soon as they figure out finger food and feeding themselves, they vehemently refuse ALL pureed food, anything served on a spoon and/or fed TO them by a parent.

Breakfast is, in my opinion, the most difficult meal to come up with something filling, healthy and not all sugar.

My little one will NOT accept any baby cereal, oatmeal, cream of wheat or rice.  Nada.  Won’t take it.  I kept trying and trying, but ultimately I choose not to continue that battle.  It is not worth the screaming that rings my ears and the frustrations caused to both her and I.

This led me to do a lot of Googling in hopes of discovering something more than cut fruit and Cheerios to feed my 9-12 month old…

I found a recipe for Baby Cereal Pancakes, however, the recipe contains egg yolks and milk, which my daughter cannot have.  So I started experimenting with the recipe and can finally say the the 3rd time IS IN FACT the charm.  My third batch is not only a success in that the end result actually resembles a pancake, but that my kid actually ate one and seemed to enjoy it.  WOOT!!!!!!

I thought I would share my recipe for anyone out there struggling with the same issues…I would hope that any other mommy’s out there in the blogosphere will consider doing the same (sharing!) if they happen to be dealing with food allergies and the struggle for variety and nutrition in their allergy kid’s diet.

Baby Cereal Pancakes

1/2 cup baby cereal oatmeal (or barley)
1/2 cup whole wheat flour
1/2 cup baby formula (or milk, soy, rice milk…whatever your child can have)
1/2 cup of applesauce
roughly 1/2 cup of apple juice to start
cinnamon, vanilla extract and/or a mashed up fruit of choice, like banana (optional)

mix all this up and add a dash of water if it is still thick, you want to add a little water or juice until the consistency will pour off the spoon or run through the slats of a fork…not like watery, but it should pour onto the skillet.

I use a non-stick skillet to avoid using butter because my child cannot have butter.  Depending on your child, you may want to use a little butter melted in the skillet or non stick spray…or whatever you do if you make normal pancakes.

Pour whatever size pancakes you want and cook until brown on bottom, then flip and brown the other side.  Low-Med. Low heat.

I make them small and add a little Karo syrup (like a drop or two) and spread it over the top or I spread a pureed fruit like apple sauce, pears…or whatever fruit you want…on top.

Good luck!

By the way, I tasted them and they actually do taste good!

Kira has said “hi”, “hi, bob”, “momma”, “dada”, “kitteh”, “pup”, “a bowl”, “no”, “not now”…uh, that is all I can think of to date.

Until this weekend when she saw a duck on her hooded towel and added “duck” after her dada told her what it was.  She seemed to identify the duck with the word duck until this week when so far all she has repeatedly said is “duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, guck, guck, duck, duck, dock, guck, guck, glock, duck, duck, duck…” .

It was very cute and now it is making me nuts.  I had to escape for a bit of grown-up, duck-free time last night at Kohl’s with my 30% off coupon.  It wasn’t a very successful trip, but at least there were no ducks.

I just watched an episode of How It’s Made on the Science channel…yes, we are big dorks.

Anyway, this was an episode of how sparklers are made.  They mix barium nitrate, boric acid, water, corn starch, iron filings and aluminum.  They dip wire cut to the length of the sparkler into the mixture and then bake it on.

I find it odd that water is an ingredient of something that burns and then they bake something that burns but it doesn’t burn while baking…hmm, makes me think, which has become considerably more painful and at risk for starting fires since having a child.

But what I really want to know is…

Who the hell actually sits around and thinks about mixing the afore mentioned group of ingredients together, dipping a stick in it, heating it up and then figuring out when it actually sets fire, you get sparkly bits?!!?

I can’t believe how quickly time passes once you have a kid.  It went fast post-high school, but that pales in comparison to how fast is passes now that Kira is here.

She amazes me everyday, everyday I learn as much from her as I teach her, she makes me a better person…

gpa(sm)

Out four-wheeling with Grandpa.

hey dada(sm)

Chillin’ with Daddy in front of Grandpa’s Rock House.

rockstar(sm)

Making like a mini rock star in her baby shades…with beenana on the lens, lol.

10mos2(sm)

I love my shiny, happy baby!

I should preface this by saying that this was already poop #3 of the day and it wasn’t yet one o’clock in the afternoon…

I began by placing my child on the floor in front of me to change a stinky poopy diaper but she was more interested in being free like the wind, which makes keeping her still and on her back a difficult task.  She wiggled to break free of me while I reasoned with a 10 month old to stick around long enough to get a new diaper on…yeah, fat chance of that working.  As I explained to her the importance of having patience  (ironic, since I have none myself) and how she can make time to allow a quick diaper change (I mean, I kinda make her schedule so there’s no getting around the fact that she has the time!), she chewed on the face of a monkey, occasionally attempting to make a break for it.

Okay, poopy diaper off, butt clean, and new diaper on, sparing no time to safely roll the poop into the dirty diaper in hope of that being enough seconds spared to get the new diaper securely fastened.

As I fasten the last tab, Kira, in one swift motion, rolls over into a downward dog and springs up onto her feet and takes a step over my legs to escape.

No problem…

Except now that I am reaching for the poopy diaper to roll it up and discard it, I realize the poop is missing.

Yes, I said the poop is MISSING!

I look at Kira and exclaim, “THE POOP IS MISSING!” in a humorously alarmed tone.  She looks back at me curiously as I, on hands and knees, look all over the living room and even UNDER the sofa for a turd.  I mean, really, how difficult can it be to find a TURD in the LIVING ROOM?!?  I am uncertain where else to look and I have not yet located said turd, so again I look to Kira and say with an underlying tone of both defeat and laughter, “I don’t know where the poop is. Do you see the stinky poopy?”.

This is the point of the story in which my 10 month old child, who has a very timely, witty and slightly “off” sense of humor already, looks right at me and raises her right leg straight out in front of her exposing the bottom of her foot where there is an infant shoe size 2 turd.

Ah, now the case of the missing poop has been solved…I may now move on to less stinky things.