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Discovering motherhood…one poopy diaper at a time.

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Archive for October, 2009

We will be taking Kira out in her Babyzilla costume (as I have deemed it) tomorrow for her first Halloween and first Trick or Treating.

I am really looking forward to many her first Halloween and many, many more to follow.  We are taking her by two of her grandparents and by a local police station where her uncle works.

Then, since she is allergic to most everything and she is too little for most candy, we shall take candy from our baby.  And we shall eat it, too!

I am going to post a gripe.

I may be whining, bitching and/or complaining, but it’s my blog and my perogative.

I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.  I am even more sick and tired of seeing doctors and getting no help, no diagnosis.  I am at the end of my rope.  I don’t even know what to do or where to go from here.

If it weren’t for the fact that this most recent doctor stated directly to me that he “believes I have something very real happening” and that it is not in my head, then I think that I would, at this point, be inclined to start believing it to all be in my head.

Unfortunately, this specialist said outright that he cannot help me.  He wants to but he doesn’t know how, it is beyond what he is capable of.  Wow.  That is frighteningly human of a doctor to admit to that.

He also informed me that after a month of testing my glucose levels and having been diagnosed with diabetes, he is retracting his original diagnosis because even without medication my numbers look good.  He said I am riding the fence between being diabetic and NOT being diabetic and that I need to keep my diet, weight and exercise in check, as well as occasionally testing myself just to see how my sugar level is.

So, not being diabetic is good news.  But it also kind of sets me back a notch as far as a diagnosis.  Now there is nothing to blame my symptoms on and I have to start all over.

I honestly am feeling a bit defeated.  Even the doc doesn’t know where to send me.  He suggested I call Wash. U and see if they can recommend someone that has more ability to “experiment” with my symptoms.  In other words, he has no idea.  If he doesn’t know, then how the hell should I know.  I don’t know if I can continue.  I don’t even know where to begin.

I suppose, as much as it sounds like I am just feeling sorry for myself to say this, that I will just wait until something more dreadful happens and in the meanwhile just try to deal with feeling like shit all the time.

Meh.

I am having a bad mom day.

I don’t feel like I am cut out for this.

Does/Has anyone else feel/felt this way?  I am sure it is normal, but damn it cuts deep.
An excerpt from an IM between me and my ever-so-supportive husband (and good dad), it is brutally honest about how i feel today, so be warned.  Don’t judge me to harshly or if you do fuck off and keep it to yourself.

me: i feel like all i’ve done is fight all day and i don’t think i am cut out for being a mother, at least not a good one.

Cybr: The fact that you can survive days like this show that you are a good mother.  A bad mother would have done something they should regret

me: i just sit here and cry…occasionally yell, mostly at the dogs and cats but once at kira today

i hate this temper (tantrum) shit
i hate that she won’t nap when she can’t even stand (because she’s so tired)
i hate that i yelled at her
i hate that i don’t know what to do or if what i do is right
i hate that she calls your name when i don’t go in her room after about 10 minutes of screaming
i am so burned out right now
i think i need meds to cope with being a mom and i hate that too.
i am a shitty mom if i have to be medicated to do it
Cybr: you are doing good you just don’t give yourself enough credit
you do great with Kira, you should be proud
there are going to be bad days for both of you…  she’s probably feeling sick from us or something else…  its going to happen
you are sick and I’m around sick people so its only a matter of time till she gets something
hell we’ve been extremely lucky in that area so far
its been almost a year and how many times has she TRULY been sick?  Not many.