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Discovering motherhood…one poopy diaper at a time.

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Archive for April, 2009

I have recently been considering how important it is to me that my little girl grows up knowing the value of self.  Specifically, I have been thinking what we, her parents, need to be certain to make happen during her impressionable years so that she grows into an adult that knows her self-worth.

There have been a few things recently that I have been experiencing that have put this thought in my head:

  1. doing research to determine a price for my photography based on others locally who I consider to be comparable to my own quality.
  2. being networked to so many friends, both from past and present, who are presently (or are considering) going back to school to embark on a completely new career path
  3. based on items 1 and 2, contemplating how I see myself and how that will ultimately effect Kira as she grows up and develops her own self-worth

This has been a HUGE eye-opener for me.  HUGE, with a capital G.

I find my value being considerably less than it should be when I breakdown my internal dialogue.  This is not good.  This is not acceptable.

I am so proud of all my friends that are chasing down dreams and making them real, especially after having settled into a routine for so long.  It makes me want to do the same, to really go after what I have always wanted.  To make a reality of the things I put to the back corner of my mind so many years ago.

When I think of making this a reality, it is then my excuses become innumerable.

That is when I realized exactly how important having a family support system is.  To have people who openly, verbally believe in you and encourage you.

I am not going to digress into my own childhood here and ramble on about it.  I will, however, say this much:  I had people that believed in and encouraged me during my childhood and adolescence.  I also had someone I greatly admired that verbally tore me to shreds and diminished every chance for me to feel good and worthy of good.  For every word of encouragement or support, there were hundreds of words berating, belittling and breaking me down.  These words have carried some weight throughout my life, as is always the case with negativity, but I believed that I had left much of the past behind me up til now.

Now, more than ever, I have to face this and repair it.  It is of dire importance for Kira’s sake that I not only be the best person I can be, but that I practice what I preach to her, as well.  I can’t just say, “Know your self-worth!” to her, not if it will make a hypocrite of me.

I have a huge obstacle ahead of me that I must hurdle.  I will be digging deep to clear out any remaining negative thoughts and the voice I hear that says, “You can’t do that, you aren’t smart enough, good enough, capable enough.  You missed your opportunity.  You threw it all away”.  I also have to find my way past a maze of excuses like “you don’t have enough time, you should really be more realistic, you are taking away from your family, and your husband shouldn’t have to endure the financial burden of your dream chasing”.

The truth is, myself as well as my family will pay a higher price if I never chase my dreams…

(P.S.  It is amazingly difficult to make such a bold statement of my shortcomings.  But I believe the truth and facing the truth head on will be what makes all the difference in setting me free from this toxic thinking.  I also believe there are probably a lot of you out there, perhaps reading this right now, that feel very similarly.  I hope you find a way to overcome your own negative self-image, no matter the nature or origin of it.)

We need to get the pantry doors repaired so that they will close while it will only cost about $50 and some time.

If we wait much longer, it will end up costing us about $3000 (give or take).  The major difference in cost will simply be because of the surgical veterinary bills we will soon incur due to my stoopid cat, Burrito, eating all the plastic off the case of water.

He isn’t always stoopid, but he is eating plastic.  It’s either that or a vitamin deficiency, which I’m not betting on. He’s lucky we love him.

burrito-2008sm

Kira would not settle down last night so I went into her room and caught a whiff of what could have been poop.  I smelled her diaper and didn’t get any definite readings but couldn’t just leave her in a poopy diaper, if indeed that was the problem keeping her from drifting off to sleepy-town, and didn’t want to pick her up and engage her if it wasn’t necessary.

So, I did what thousands of mothers (and-edited to add based on my comments- father’s!) have done before me…I used my finger to pull aside the edge of her diaper.

I retracted said finger covered with green poop.  And lots of it.

Oh, I would say…she was ripe.

Onto the Wordless Wednesday portion of my poopy post, where in the spirit of Wordlessness…I shall shut up and just post the damn picture!

collage

Copied from an actual IM:

me: hi

Cybrpunk13: hello

me: if i make a shape of an oval section of an image, how do i invert the shape selection to select the outside of the shape so that i can delete the portion of the image i do not want? (the keystrokes)
Cybrpunk13: CTRL+SHIFT+i

me: thanks, i couldn’t remember…

me:  how do i make my kid sleep and stop this silliness?
Cybrpunk13: LOL
what is she doing?
me: she is exhausted but refuses to sleep
she keeps looking at me when i am there and doing “stuff” to stay awake
Cybrpunk13: CTRL+SHIFT+S

me: thanks
i’ll let you know how that works

Sent at 9:42 AM on Tuesday

I was in a crappy-with-a-capital-Y mood on Saturday.  I have no reason for it, I just was.  I got out of the house for a bit sans family because I thought 1) it would help my mood to have a little “me” time and 2) I figured I could kick my own ass at the gym if retail therapy didn’t help.

I went by Garden ridge for some planters and when I pulled into their busy parking lot, a Enterprise rental van was cutting through all parking lanes in a rather dangerous manner.  I, being the passive-aggressive driver that I can be, did not even slow down a bit.  I thought, “go ahead, hit me!” and kept my pace up the parking lot lane.  As she looked right at me, waved her arm at me, not slowing down even a little, cutting through parked cars and across lanes, risking people’s vehicles and safety…I laid on the horn and continued right for her.

At that moment, I truly wished that money was no object for us because I would have broad-sided her.

So, she saw myself and two other cars driving where we had the RIGHT OF WAY and proceeded without caution.  I was pissed anyway so this really bothered me.  I nearly took a parking spot near the entrance to the store but I knew it would burn a hole through me if I didn’t say something to her.

I circled around and over a couple of aisles where she had parked and pulled up next to her with my window down and ever-so-rudely asked her, “Do you think the fucking rules don’t apply to you?!?” and drove away flipping her the bird.

Now, I freaked her out a bit by pulling up next to her, but by no means do I believe that my action, or in this case REaction, has changed this woman into a more considerate, safe driver…I’m not kidding myself.  But it did make me feel better instead of holding it in for it to fester into something ripe and nasty.

I also had a few revelations this weekend, including:

  1. I think there is barbecue sauce on my ceiling.
  2. I really hate my chosen wordpress theme.
  3. Only one of my kids toenails ever grows.  Just one.
  4. Bananas make my kid poop like grown up.

That is about it.

Oh, and I started a new craft project this weekend but I can’t tell you what it is…or I’ll have to kill you.

I’m almost there…today, at least.  Tomorrow may bring me back to my former reality of being a procrastinator extraordinaire, a bit of a slob, and a total slacker.

But today…today I am a domestic goddess.  This is why:

  • awoke early to shower and get dress/ready to go
  • checked email/facebook
  • made coffee
  • drank coffee
  • got my smiling sweet baby out of bed and changed her and talked with her
  • fed the kid
  • spoke to my mother
  • attempted to call a relative to show appreciation for a gift received for kira
  • went to garage sale and got lots of good stuff really cheap including new scrapbook stuff and a sun shield tent thing for kira
  • went to lowe’s and bought dirt and flowers
  • fed kid
  • put kid to down for nap (only one today, but it lasted 4 hours! wOOt!)
  • planted flowers
  • cleaned up dirt mess and the like
  • spot cleaned grease stain on my t-shirt from potting soil bag
  • did two loads of laundry
  • socialized politely with two neighbors
  • played with dogs outside
  • fed kid again
  • played with kid
  • greeted husband upon arrival from work
  • went grocery shopping
  • said good night to my sleepy sweetie
  • put away said groceries
  • cooked healthy, delicious meal of tilapia, broccoli and rice
  • cleaned up dinner mess
  • unloaded dishwasher
  • washed bottles
  • planted carrots
  • drank twisted tea
  • got online to play

All in a days work.  Oh, yeah, I was in a GREAT FREAKING MOOD all day, too.  It must be the hormones…or the nice weather.  God knows, I need to be outside instead of stuck inside these four walls of DOOM!

Has anyone had the Mirena IUD installed?  If you have, I would love to hear what you think of it and/or your experience with it.

I just had the installation recently and have received a 6(+) week long period in return.  Not to mention I feel it, Cybr feels it, I feel all hormonal (worse than right after giving birth…well, almost) and cry-ee, and I feel a little “different” in my lady area from time to time.

Sounds fun, huh?  You know you are running to the phone to make an appointment with your OB/GYN right as I finish this sentence-

Oh, yeah, I guess not.  I did make it sound fun, though, didn’t I?

I think I preferred risking getting knocked up again to this.

If you think it is unnecessary to be giving my v-jay this much time and consideration…well, I welcome you to my world where, thanks to Mirena, I am reminded of it ALL. DAY. LONG.

That is what I need.

As I inch my way (with a reluctance I cannot completely shake off) into motherhood, this is what I need help with:

How do I become a better mom in the sense of rolling with the flow, soaking in the good moments and letting the unpleasant ones roll off?  How do I get to the place where the screeching, whining voice of my hungry baby (as I am making her bottle) doesn’t rake every last nerve in my body the wrong way (imagine stroking a cat backwards…this is my nerves)?

These are my million dollar questions.  This is the goal(s) I am striving for.  I am not certain if it is attainable, so if it isn’t…well, I guess I really need to know so I can adjust my thinking.  If it isn’t attainable to not be annoyed, then I can strive for handling my reaction better.

I suppose (wow. irony.) I just solved my own problem with my own answer in the last sentence.  Interesting how writing helps my brain function more smoothly.

Well, I still would like to hear answers to my questions posed above from anyone who is willing to offer…uh, allow me to rephrase…if you are a parent, then I would love to hear your opinion, advice, answers or hysterical pointing and laughing…all other opinions will be read and discarded because you know NOTHING of parenting unless you are one, trust me on that.  Although, feel free to entertain me…

Apr
14
Nursery Decor

I have finally completed Kira’s nursery.  I really hoped we would be able to complete it before she was born, especially when I was sent home from a final ultrasound and an entire weekend before I was scheduled to be induced into labor.

Since my water broke about 10 minutes after I got home from that appointment, it just wasn’t going to happen! That’s just the way it goes when you move halfway around the world and into a new house right before you have a baby.

So, we are finally getting to a place as parents where we can get stuff done.  Kira had a Easter sleep over at her grammy and papa’s house so we could do more painting in her room without her losing brain cells from huffing.  If she is going to huff chemicals, she will have to do that on her own time ’cause I will certainly NOT be her enabler.  That is a whole other story that ends with rehab, so let’s not go there..

Anyway…Here is the end result:

kiras-room1sm

The hanging picture is an ultrasound picture of her where she is visibly smiling a big, Cheshire grin with a signed matte around it.

kiras-room2sm

The pattern over the dresser has newborn pictures of Kira, myself and Cybr and then slightly older baby pictures of the three of us.

I drew the shapes on the wall using a straight-edge level, free-handed the circles, and painted them all free-hand…I don’t have the patience for taping.  Oddly, I do have the patience to paint free-handed.  Hmm…

So, here it is in all of its completed glory!

It seem like the most obvious sentence you could ever hear.  That doesn’t, however, stop the nurses who teach the birthing classes from repeating it over and over like a broken record during the 6-8 weeks you take the class.

During our birthing class, my husband and I learned and saw a lot of things we didn’t already know about the birthing process and newborn care.  What neither of us expected was to continually hear the sentence, “NEVER, ever shake a baby” .  It was almost annoying to hear that sentence repeated so casually and so frequently, I mean isn’t that OBVIOUS?

It was such an annoyance that Cybr and I spoke of it one night on our way home, agreeing that it was ridiculous that it need be repeated so much.  Everyone knows that and surely it is few and far between that need be reminded.

This was our thinking before our baby was born.

After we had been home with Kira for a few weeks, that is when it became clear as to exactly why it is repeated so frequently.  Bringing home a newborn is stressful, exhausting and frightening.  It pushes you to limits mentally, physically and emotionally that you have never before been.  This happens while mothers are simultaneously having EXTREME hormone fluxuation, sleep deprivation and more than likely self-doubt.  I can also add burning a high fever and being in severe pain to that list, which I am certain others have experienced as well.

So, all this having been said, now you add a screaming, colicky newborn to the equation and THAT is why you NEED it drilled in your head to NEVER shake a baby.  That way, when you are out of your freaking mind with all the human limits you have surpassed and you begin to think a little crazy and act not so much like yourself, that repetitive phrase is embedded in your brain in hopes of keeping you from doing the unthinkable.

I thought it was ridiculous during the classes.  After I was standing in those shoes, the shoes of a new parent, only then did I begin to understand why it happens.  I thought you had to be a psycho or a borderline psycho to actually stoop to the level of ‘crazy mother fucker that would shake their defenseless, dependent child’.  Then I became a parent and understood that the truth behind shaken baby syndrome is that anyone can go there in a blink of an eye and you don’t have to be crazy, you just have to lose control of yourself for a split second.

By no means am I either condoning or defending this behavior from anyone or suggesting that I have done such a heinous act.

I am simply saying that I understand how it could happen, albeit deplorable, and now understand that all parents-to-be need to be told this considerably obvious statement so that it be embedded in the front and foremost area of you brain when your baby comes home.

It is very clear to me now that I am a parent that TALKING openly and honestly about this subject and our feelings about being a new parent are necessary to preventing any and all forms of child abuse and neglect as well as keeping new moms and dads from sinking to an emotional level not fit for caring for themselves or their child.  Not even entirely abuse, but of self deprecation, guilt, fear, and all other negative feelings associated with the early stages of parenting.