catandmuse.com

Discovering motherhood…one poopy diaper at a time.

» Font Size «

Archive for the ‘strange and unusual’ Category

I should preface this by saying that this was already poop #3 of the day and it wasn’t yet one o’clock in the afternoon…

I began by placing my child on the floor in front of me to change a stinky poopy diaper but she was more interested in being free like the wind, which makes keeping her still and on her back a difficult task.  She wiggled to break free of me while I reasoned with a 10 month old to stick around long enough to get a new diaper on…yeah, fat chance of that working.  As I explained to her the importance of having patience  (ironic, since I have none myself) and how she can make time to allow a quick diaper change (I mean, I kinda make her schedule so there’s no getting around the fact that she has the time!), she chewed on the face of a monkey, occasionally attempting to make a break for it.

Okay, poopy diaper off, butt clean, and new diaper on, sparing no time to safely roll the poop into the dirty diaper in hope of that being enough seconds spared to get the new diaper securely fastened.

As I fasten the last tab, Kira, in one swift motion, rolls over into a downward dog and springs up onto her feet and takes a step over my legs to escape.

No problem…

Except now that I am reaching for the poopy diaper to roll it up and discard it, I realize the poop is missing.

Yes, I said the poop is MISSING!

I look at Kira and exclaim, “THE POOP IS MISSING!” in a humorously alarmed tone.  She looks back at me curiously as I, on hands and knees, look all over the living room and even UNDER the sofa for a turd.  I mean, really, how difficult can it be to find a TURD in the LIVING ROOM?!?  I am uncertain where else to look and I have not yet located said turd, so again I look to Kira and say with an underlying tone of both defeat and laughter, “I don’t know where the poop is. Do you see the stinky poopy?”.

This is the point of the story in which my 10 month old child, who has a very timely, witty and slightly “off” sense of humor already, looks right at me and raises her right leg straight out in front of her exposing the bottom of her foot where there is an infant shoe size 2 turd.

Ah, now the case of the missing poop has been solved…I may now move on to less stinky things.

If there were an award as such, it would go to the dickhead featured in this news story.

I have been annoyed by the incessant, shrill cries of a child in a public place.  I also have the free-will and wherewithal to LEAVE if I can’t deal with it, certainly that would make more sense the repeated striking of a 2 year old in the face by a complete stranger.

In this story, it explains how the man threatened the mother that “if she couldn’t shut the kid up, then he would”…then, when the child continued to cry in another aisle, he proceeded with hitting her in the face four or five times.

You see…maybe I am a little crazy, maybe just perfectly normal, or maybe I simply tend to respond quickly in most situations…either way, just those words alone would have sent me off into a blazing hot, angry like a bear that has been poked with a hot stick rage of protecting my child.

Now, I am not trying to scold the mother for not reacting faster or with violent retaliation…but I certainly do not understand her quick forgiveness.  I am a forgiving person, but I am thinking that a little bit of anger is in order for now and then forgiveness a little later.  She is either full of crap and putting on for the media or I guess she is more forgiving than most people I have encountered.

No matter, I can assure you that if I were in the mother’s shoes, I would have potentially been arrested along with the crazy bastard that hit my kid repeatedly.  I would have tackled his sorry ass and wailed on him with a vengeance.  I am not saying that behaving violently and being arrested in  front of my kid in response to a violent attack is THE BEST or THE RIGHT thing to do…but perhaps it is.  Even though some of you may see it as setting the example of violence being acceptable, I am personally of the opinion that (a mother) defending her child IS acceptable be it violent or not, circumstantially speaking.  I feel that doing nothing is worse for the child than doing something.

My sweetie just gave me this t-shirt as a surprise!  I LOVE this shirt!

I am accepting it as an early Mother’s Day gift…

shirt-woot

I was in a crappy-with-a-capital-Y mood on Saturday.  I have no reason for it, I just was.  I got out of the house for a bit sans family because I thought 1) it would help my mood to have a little “me” time and 2) I figured I could kick my own ass at the gym if retail therapy didn’t help.

I went by Garden ridge for some planters and when I pulled into their busy parking lot, a Enterprise rental van was cutting through all parking lanes in a rather dangerous manner.  I, being the passive-aggressive driver that I can be, did not even slow down a bit.  I thought, “go ahead, hit me!” and kept my pace up the parking lot lane.  As she looked right at me, waved her arm at me, not slowing down even a little, cutting through parked cars and across lanes, risking people’s vehicles and safety…I laid on the horn and continued right for her.

At that moment, I truly wished that money was no object for us because I would have broad-sided her.

So, she saw myself and two other cars driving where we had the RIGHT OF WAY and proceeded without caution.  I was pissed anyway so this really bothered me.  I nearly took a parking spot near the entrance to the store but I knew it would burn a hole through me if I didn’t say something to her.

I circled around and over a couple of aisles where she had parked and pulled up next to her with my window down and ever-so-rudely asked her, “Do you think the fucking rules don’t apply to you?!?” and drove away flipping her the bird.

Now, I freaked her out a bit by pulling up next to her, but by no means do I believe that my action, or in this case REaction, has changed this woman into a more considerate, safe driver…I’m not kidding myself.  But it did make me feel better instead of holding it in for it to fester into something ripe and nasty.

I also had a few revelations this weekend, including:

  1. I think there is barbecue sauce on my ceiling.
  2. I really hate my chosen wordpress theme.
  3. Only one of my kids toenails ever grows.  Just one.
  4. Bananas make my kid poop like grown up.

That is about it.

Oh, and I started a new craft project this weekend but I can’t tell you what it is…or I’ll have to kill you.

I just received my AARP membership card in the mail!  wOOt!

Oh, yeah, my mistake.  I am not 50 years old yet.  By quite a long shot, I should add!

Is this a joke?  I can’t help but laugh, but damn…am I starting to look someone else’s age or what?!?

aarpsm.jpg

I decided upon my return to St. Louis that I would like to do my part in avoiding hemorrhoids during this pregnancy.

First thing that came to mind as far as prevention was that toilet paper is entirely too abrasive a surface for such a delicate region. 

I purchased my first pack (obviously, I am out of the loop on ass-care products) of the adult version of baby wipes.  The most common brands I found were Cottonelle and Charmin, so being as particular as I am about regular toilet paper I chose to try both products to see which was a better fit for my ass.

This is what my findings are:

I used the Cottonelle brand first and it is okay.  I don’t mind the texture, there is no added fragrance or dyes…my only slight concern was that they sometimes rip when you pull one from the container and if it is that weak, then I may very well have cause for concern in the sanitation department.  But if I use a couple, then that remedies my concern.  Overall, it is a good product.

Then I moved on to the Charmin brand.  I opened the new container and -OMG!!!- I was hit with the overwhelming scent of bubble gum.  I don’t want to wipe bubble gum or bubble gum scent on my bunghole.  Eww!  It gives me the creeps.  There are some odors that just don’t mesh with ass.  Bubble gum is one of those fragrances, in my opinion. 

So, the Charmin wipes may very well be as good or better quality than the Cottonelle wipes…but my ass will never know.

Contrary to what you may think, this was NOT a paid advertisement but rather a ridiculously long post about my ass.

hemorrhoidssm.jpg

I came across this very large, very bright sign encouraging Hong Kong-ians to get their hemorrhoids cared for.

There must be a lot of sore butts per capita here to require an entire center for hemorrhoid control…

Instant Message between me and my husband:

me: I had a battle of wits with some Brit out on his balcony over Guinness’s turd. I think I won, but just to be sure I will be taking both dogs to shit by his balcony later today…

cybr: HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

cybr: a battle of wits over poop?

me: yeah, it wasn’t pretty

cybr: I see

me: even the dogs appeared perplexed by the whole encounter

cybr: was he upset that they were pooping?

me: apparently
Guinness was pooping and I was waiting for him to finish when this guy starts yelling, “hey, you! pick that up, you need to pick that up!”

cybr: lol

me: I looked up to the 2nd story balcony from which this guy spotted a 2.5″ turd to find this guy leaning over shouting this at me

cybr: LOL

me: I yelled back at him that I don’t need to be told to pick up after my dogs, I do it 3 times a day and furthermore he’d probably find less shit below his balcony if he didn’t yell at people. He went inside. I debated doing what i imagine most people he yells at whilst on poop patrol do…wave and walk away, but i picked it up like i always do

me: i am still considering a retaliation mission

cybr: omg! obviously somebody needs a hobby if all they have to do is hang off their balcony and harass people

me: and look for tiny turds. what a weirdo. he is so far up, there is no way he could even notice poop…all this before 8:30 am

cybr: hehehe

me: that really sets the tone for the day. btw, have you scooped poop?

cybr: no I forgot. I’ll do it when I get home.

me: no prob
i think i will blog this conversation

cybr: hehe it’s kind of shitty

me: yes it is

squid2.jpg

squid1.jpg

corn-panda1sm.jpg

corn-panda2sm.jpg

Slightly creepy corn pandas at Ocean Park in Hong Kong.