Discovering motherhood…one poopy diaper at a time.

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Archive for the ‘change’ Category

In addition to being very sick for more than a week, Kira has hit a number of milestones since my last update about her.

She started pulling herself up to a standing position and can stand holding onto stuff.  She is trying to walk while she hangs onto stuff.  I never go into her room when she wakes up to find her doing anything other than standing up hanging onto the slats like a little, cute jailbird or a caged monkey.  She figured out how to remove her diaper and has been practicing over and over again.  We now have lots of naked time, good thing for her she has such a cute tushie that I can’t tell her no.  Besides, sometimes it’s good to air out your buns.  She is feeding herself Puffies (aka, babycrack) without any help from me.  If I haven’t mentioned it previously, she has been crawling very quickly and efficiently for about a month.  She now officially sits in the big girl seat in shopping carts and in restaurants.  She is such a big girl!

The only things she hasn’t yet acheived are having teeth come through and holding her own bottle.  She is, however, teething hard-core so I expect teeth to pop through anytime now and she does hold her bottle so she can chew on it, she just prefers for us to do the work when she’s eating.

Hmm…can’t think of anything else, really.

Just that today I am taking her for her first swim class.  I am eagerly anticipating it and hope she likes it, too.

I fell on a flight of concrete steps while carrying her the other day.  I took the hit hard on my right knee to avoid her hitting the concrete or me landing on her.  It is swollen and bruised and extremely sore.  It scared me much worse than it hurt me, though!


I have recently been considering how important it is to me that my little girl grows up knowing the value of self.  Specifically, I have been thinking what we, her parents, need to be certain to make happen during her impressionable years so that she grows into an adult that knows her self-worth.

There have been a few things recently that I have been experiencing that have put this thought in my head:

  1. doing research to determine a price for my photography based on others locally who I consider to be comparable to my own quality.
  2. being networked to so many friends, both from past and present, who are presently (or are considering) going back to school to embark on a completely new career path
  3. based on items 1 and 2, contemplating how I see myself and how that will ultimately effect Kira as she grows up and develops her own self-worth

This has been a HUGE eye-opener for me.  HUGE, with a capital G.

I find my value being considerably less than it should be when I breakdown my internal dialogue.  This is not good.  This is not acceptable.

I am so proud of all my friends that are chasing down dreams and making them real, especially after having settled into a routine for so long.  It makes me want to do the same, to really go after what I have always wanted.  To make a reality of the things I put to the back corner of my mind so many years ago.

When I think of making this a reality, it is then my excuses become innumerable.

That is when I realized exactly how important having a family support system is.  To have people who openly, verbally believe in you and encourage you.

I am not going to digress into my own childhood here and ramble on about it.  I will, however, say this much:  I had people that believed in and encouraged me during my childhood and adolescence.  I also had someone I greatly admired that verbally tore me to shreds and diminished every chance for me to feel good and worthy of good.  For every word of encouragement or support, there were hundreds of words berating, belittling and breaking me down.  These words have carried some weight throughout my life, as is always the case with negativity, but I believed that I had left much of the past behind me up til now.

Now, more than ever, I have to face this and repair it.  It is of dire importance for Kira’s sake that I not only be the best person I can be, but that I practice what I preach to her, as well.  I can’t just say, “Know your self-worth!” to her, not if it will make a hypocrite of me.

I have a huge obstacle ahead of me that I must hurdle.  I will be digging deep to clear out any remaining negative thoughts and the voice I hear that says, “You can’t do that, you aren’t smart enough, good enough, capable enough.  You missed your opportunity.  You threw it all away”.  I also have to find my way past a maze of excuses like “you don’t have enough time, you should really be more realistic, you are taking away from your family, and your husband shouldn’t have to endure the financial burden of your dream chasing”.

The truth is, myself as well as my family will pay a higher price if I never chase my dreams…

(P.S.  It is amazingly difficult to make such a bold statement of my shortcomings.  But I believe the truth and facing the truth head on will be what makes all the difference in setting me free from this toxic thinking.  I also believe there are probably a lot of you out there, perhaps reading this right now, that feel very similarly.  I hope you find a way to overcome your own negative self-image, no matter the nature or origin of it.)

New Digs

Here are the new digs, I hope you likey.

Hey, at least I accomplished something!

I have been absent from blogging here for a while, as anyone who continues to stop by may have noticed. I have even mentioned this previous to now while trying to think of something to say, or many times just trying to think.  Getting things in writing, the act of writing and simply getting things out of my head are all things that I need on a regular basis.

When I don’t get things out of my head, I tend to get a little off–in a bad way.  I tend to bottle things up, then explode.  Generally, those who are closest to my heart and, at times, closest in proximity tend to take the brunt of my explosively angry side.

I have always written in journals but when I began blogging is when I discovered that having my thoughts on the internut where anyone can read them is an added bonus for me.  I tend to shut people out and hide away inside myself and this outlet for writing sort of forces me to let people in…without LITERALLY letting people in…does that make sense?

So, my point…really, I have one…is that in the 5 months since becoming a parent I have not been blogging.  I have sort of been on a forced and necessary hiatus from my blog.  Not because I wanted to, more because I had to. Now I believe I am thinking a bit more clearly and am emerging from this strange place my head has been in for a while.  Now I believe I have something to say and will be able to find more time to say it.  I am not promising anything, most especially not daily updates or certain days for updates but I can promise you my content and eventually my theme and logo will be different.

I fully expected I would blog about my kid and even motherhood, but I still held on to having a life of my own (separate from parenthood) to blog about…Needless to say, I was kidding myself.  I am a mom, therefore I will blog about it.  There may not be much else to say but now that I have survived the most difficult, challenging 5 months of my life I can promise that it will be candid content and honesty about motherhood to the point of being offensive (or so I hope!).

I have been absent.  That is an obvious fact.  I won’t apologize.  I am too tired to do that.  Having a new baby is the most exhausting job ever; especially one who is gassy, refluxy, and refuses to sleep.

So, what am I going to do about this blog?  If there is anyone still checking in to see if there is anything new to read, then I suppose I will tell you what is on my mind about it.

I miss writing to you.  I miss my blog.  I miss my former life, pre-baby, when I spoke in a normal voice, had time to write and for that matter think, had something to say, had a sense of humor and had less spit-up on me…oh, how could I forget, and less luggage under my eyes.

Not that I don’t love my baby, so don’t get all bent on me…I just miss the way things were and I have finally accepted that they will never again be the same.  I am okay with that, but still mourning a bit.

So, now that I have survived what I am hoping is the worst part of parenting (the first couple of months) I am going to make a concerted effort to accomplish the following things:

  1. Find time to blog
  2. Think of something to say besides baby gibberish
  3. Post pictures
  4. Change my outdated theme
  5. Update with a new logo
  6. Get over the fact that I didn’t want to turn this into a “mommy blog” because I am a mommy and I can’t find the time to maintain an additional blog.  Don’t worry, it won’t be all mommy stuff and I will still throw in the occasional raunchiness to entertain you with.
  7. Complete all these things (in no particular order) before March.  Of this year. Hehe.

So, now you know what is on my mind.  Do check back occasionally, as I will be posting more often starting right now.

Although it may seem that way, I really do have many ideas and am still working on more ideas for this blog…

I have just had an extremely full week and a bit of writer’s block, or something that most likely resembles it.

I did make it to St. Louis and have been here about a week.  I have been getting settled in so I don’t have to live out of a suitcase any longer.  I have been trying to get the dogs settled in, however that has proven a bit difficult. 

They did so good at my Dad’s after flying halfway around the world, but now that I have displaced them again they seem to be out of sorts.  Chini did adapt within a couple of days, maybe three;  Guinness, on the other hand, is still working things out. 

We are all getting there, slowly but surely…

I said it was a crazy, busy week and I will tell more about that later… That is if I have any readers left out there in the internut galaxy!

I sent an email about a month ago to my contact at the SPCA in Hong Kong regarding the Cat Colony Care Program (CCCP) in Discovery Bay and I am quite happy to say that apparently it was an effective letter.

I received a positive response that effects temporary changes to be made to how the de-sexing program works for the harbor area cats that I care for.

For now and until the population is under control, it will be easier to take in cats for de-sexing. It will not be any easier to catch them, but at least I can just put cat trapping on my schedule for Fridays and know that it will get done.

This makes me very happy. So happy, in fact, that I think I will go trap a couple of cats this morning (if I can!)…

No cats are interested in being trapped. I just returned from spending two hours along the harbor waiting and it is hot enough in the sun that no cats are coming out today. Better luck next week…

me.jpgUpdate on the dark hair color. It seems to have lightened a little, actually enough that I kinda like it. It is funny, my hair has grown about a 1/4 inch and my roots are not obvious. This is good, low maintenence just like I prefer it to be.

Ooh, here’s a bit of information I bet no one out there in inter(net)space knows…I was actually born with hair this dark. It was really dark brown and I had a lot of it when I first entered the world. It lightened up considerably as I got older, by the time I was three years-old it was medium-dark blonde with white streaks.

So, I have had hair this dark before. A long, long time ago…

change3.jpgMy dog stared at me with her head cocked sideways intermittently for about an hour. I am assuming she was trying to figure out what the hell I had done to my hair!

Seriously, I chose a milk chocolate brown with some fun red highlights and I seriously did NOT get anything close to that. The stylist was like “Do you like it?” and I responded “Not even a little bit” and then requested my color swatches. He brought them over and when he put them up next to my hair, he gasped “Oh, that isn’t even close!”. DUH!

I don’t totally hate it, even though it isn’t what I was going for. It is just hair, though, so I am not too concerned about it.

It is completely different for me to have such dark hair! I doubt Cybr would have recognized me if I hadn’t given him forewarning.

It is my exotic look, hehe.

I am not yet in my groove.

It took me a very long time to create a comfortable groove once we moved to Hong Kong. Now that I have been away for three weeks, not only is my groove service interrupted but I had WAY too much time to think and now I am having a career crisis and baby crisis on top of that.

I had been a designer for almost eight years when we packed up and moved to HK. I have looked into doing that sort of thing over here and it really has no appeal. It is different. I am not interested. I would definitely consider going back to that once we are back in the States, but not here. It isn’t worth explaining. I am just not interested.

What in the hell is a girl to do? Should I go back to school? Maybe. Should I self-learn something new? Maybe. The question is ‘what?!?’. I have no idea. I am in a rut. Any suggestions are welcome. I am open to considering anything within reason and anything else would simply be entertaining…

As far as babies, we want some. The big question is when. And the more complicated questions are where, how, etc…
My brain is on baby overload. I think we should just get drunk and see how it plays out. Hehe.

I have been very preoccupied with thinking of these things and thinking them to death, which is just my way. All the while, I am trying to re-adjust to walking the dogs, shopping for groceries daily, laundry and lots of it, trying to find a home for all the crap laying around our flat from unpacking and hoping my legs don’t take as long to adjust to walking so much.

I will get there and when I do then I will get back into my blogging groove, too.