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This is my favorite gift Kira received for Christmas, courtesy of grandma and grandpa Hat (because they always have on ball caps, lol).

It is a chainsaw.  I love it.

Santa brought the apron, but don’t let the butterflies fool you…she is a little tiny, twisted version of both her parents with her slightly devious gleam in her eye.  I think she’s thinking the same thing I am…Halloween either 2010 or 2011, there will DEFINITELY be a Baby Leatherface costume in the works.

Mwahahahahaha!!!

Uh…that would be the cartoon characters, not the half-naked, dancing men.

Yeah, so I have been sleeping MUCH better lately.  Yay for the melatonin supplement I’ve been taking!  It really works, apparently, as I am actually able to fall and mostly stay asleep and even have REM cycles.  I really like REM cycles.  I am a SERIOUSLY ANGRY BEAR when I am sleep deprived.

Oh…a little side note for those of you who think like my husband…I am taking melaTONIN, not melaNOMA.  Seriously, he is so weird.

But anyway, back to my dreams.  I am dreaming and remembering them, which is like being reunited with an old friend of mine.  I love remembering my dreams, they add extra color to my life.

So, this particular dream, myself, my husband, my friends, and (yes) Chip and Dale the cartoon characters from the days of yore are on a fishing boat in the ocean and we are fishing for sharks of all things.   We aren’t having much luck, so Chip (or perhaps Dale, as if it matters, lol) offer to be the bait.  This works, we catch a shark.  Then, when we are certain that Chip (or is it Dale?) has met his fate inside the belly of this ginormous shark, his voice startles all of us as he is looking on wondering what we are all doing standing around looking at a shark.

Then I woke up to a screaming baby.

Don’t you wish you knew what happens next?  I doubt it!

In case the friends are reading this, I intend to name you so that you  know I have weird dreams about sharks and cartoon chipmunks (wearing next to nothing!) and YOU ARE INCLUDED!  Heather, Dan and Athena…you were all there!!  Mwahahahahaha!!!

Most of the time, if Kira is fussy or crabby, I find it rather easy to get a smile and a laugh from her…

Simply put a diaper on my head.  It cracks her up.

I believe this may be the early stages of toilet humor, lol.

I should preface this by saying that this was already poop #3 of the day and it wasn’t yet one o’clock in the afternoon…

I began by placing my child on the floor in front of me to change a stinky poopy diaper but she was more interested in being free like the wind, which makes keeping her still and on her back a difficult task.  She wiggled to break free of me while I reasoned with a 10 month old to stick around long enough to get a new diaper on…yeah, fat chance of that working.  As I explained to her the importance of having patience  (ironic, since I have none myself) and how she can make time to allow a quick diaper change (I mean, I kinda make her schedule so there’s no getting around the fact that she has the time!), she chewed on the face of a monkey, occasionally attempting to make a break for it.

Okay, poopy diaper off, butt clean, and new diaper on, sparing no time to safely roll the poop into the dirty diaper in hope of that being enough seconds spared to get the new diaper securely fastened.

As I fasten the last tab, Kira, in one swift motion, rolls over into a downward dog and springs up onto her feet and takes a step over my legs to escape.

No problem…

Except now that I am reaching for the poopy diaper to roll it up and discard it, I realize the poop is missing.

Yes, I said the poop is MISSING!

I look at Kira and exclaim, “THE POOP IS MISSING!” in a humorously alarmed tone.  She looks back at me curiously as I, on hands and knees, look all over the living room and even UNDER the sofa for a turd.  I mean, really, how difficult can it be to find a TURD in the LIVING ROOM?!?  I am uncertain where else to look and I have not yet located said turd, so again I look to Kira and say with an underlying tone of both defeat and laughter, “I don’t know where the poop is. Do you see the stinky poopy?”.

This is the point of the story in which my 10 month old child, who has a very timely, witty and slightly “off” sense of humor already, looks right at me and raises her right leg straight out in front of her exposing the bottom of her foot where there is an infant shoe size 2 turd.

Ah, now the case of the missing poop has been solved…I may now move on to less stinky things.

Here’s my little superstar sporting her Hollywood look:

We are not celebratory of Valentine’s Day around our house.  My husband thinks it is nothing more than a Hallmark holiday when it becomes all about flowers, cards, candy, jewelry and all other heart-shaped paraphernalia…so, we don’t do flowers, cards or candy…okay, sometimes I buy us chocolate covered strawberries because you can only ever find them this time of year without going to specialty candy shops but if I could buy those at the local grocery in mid-July or any other month of the year, believe me I would.  Oh, and I am just not a really romantic kind of gal.  My idea of romance is…well, lets not go there.

I digress, which oddly makes me feel much like my “old self” (pre-baby) again….

My point is that I had a lovely V-Day in our own way and my husband didn’t have to get a loan to buy a huge bouqet of flowers or any bling.  Instead, he showed his love in the best way possible…He stayed home with Kira for 2 hours while I went and drank over-priced coffee and read a book.  A BOOK!  I GOT TO READ A BOOK!  That hasn’t happened in quite a while now.  That is the closest thing to a vacation I am going to have for some time…getting lost in a book.  It was awesome.  It is the little things that make me happy…

After my return from reading (w00t!!), I fed Kira and then we shopped for bedroom furniture for a while.  That was a dead end, but at least we have a better idea what we like.  Kira, the little sweetness, slept the whole time we shopped.  Then, we went to Houlihan’s for an early dinner at which Kira watched us and all the other people with wide-eyes.  I fed her some cereal and we came home.  She went to bed tonight without a huge struggle at 8:30!!!!! which is greatly improved from her former 11 p.m. bedtime schedule which was KILLING ME slowly.

Once Kira was sleeping soundly, Vince and I went through a few boxes in our family room.  No, we are still not even close to being unpacked, nor will we be this year at the rate we are unpacking.  He went through one box and I went through one, but everytime he pulled something out that belonged to me, he handed it to me.  The next thing I know, I am holding these random items and he is handing me another saying, “This must be yours” and I respond with an emphatic, “Stop handing me everything that is mine, dammit, what do you expect me to do with this stuff?!?”.  We both bust up laughing.  I swear, he is so weird that he makes me look normal…not an easy feat!

Now I am blogging and he is playing XBOX360…we are a match made in heaven, really.

I just received my AARP membership card in the mail!  wOOt!

Oh, yeah, my mistake.  I am not 50 years old yet.  By quite a long shot, I should add!

Is this a joke?  I can’t help but laugh, but damn…am I starting to look someone else’s age or what?!?

I decided upon my return to St. Louis that I would like to do my part in avoiding hemorrhoids during this pregnancy.

First thing that came to mind as far as prevention was that toilet paper is entirely too abrasive a surface for such a delicate region. 

I purchased my first pack (obviously, I am out of the loop on ass-care products) of the adult version of baby wipes.  The most common brands I found were Cottonelle and Charmin, so being as particular as I am about regular toilet paper I chose to try both products to see which was a better fit for my ass.

This is what my findings are:

I used the Cottonelle brand first and it is okay.  I don’t mind the texture, there is no added fragrance or dyes…my only slight concern was that they sometimes rip when you pull one from the container and if it is that weak, then I may very well have cause for concern in the sanitation department.  But if I use a couple, then that remedies my concern.  Overall, it is a good product.

Then I moved on to the Charmin brand.  I opened the new container and -OMG!!!- I was hit with the overwhelming scent of bubble gum.  I don’t want to wipe bubble gum or bubble gum scent on my bunghole.  Eww!  It gives me the creeps.  There are some odors that just don’t mesh with ass.  Bubble gum is one of those fragrances, in my opinion. 

So, the Charmin wipes may very well be as good or better quality than the Cottonelle wipes…but my ass will never know.

Contrary to what you may think, this was NOT a paid advertisement but rather a ridiculously long post about my ass.

I came across this very large, very bright sign encouraging Hong Kong-ians to get their hemorrhoids cared for.

There must be a lot of sore butts per capita here to require an entire center for hemorrhoid control…

That’s right, I have officially become one of the both loved and loathed (insert drumroll here) Mommy Bloggers.

EWWWW!!!

Yes, I know the earth is saturated with mommy bloggers and there are likely entire groups of mommy blogger haters that have added me to their shit list…but TOO BAD! I am going to be a mom and I am going to blog about it, dammit!

Just be lucky I haven’t changed this site over to all gushy, cute baby-ness!

Instead, you will have to visit Baby Barie.com for all the disgustingly cute baby-ness you can stand.

See you there!

P.S.  I’ll still be here discussing my usual day-to-day nonsense…at least until I am so sleep deprived due to a newborn that I cannot function !