Mostly, I am adjusted to my new life as a mom.
There is one hang-up I still have: Wishing my life now more closely resembled my life pre-baby.
I know. It is a selfish hang-up. But it is how I feel.
I have been back home for 5 days from a girls-trip to Florida and I can honestly say that no matter the fact I missed Kira terribly while I was away…I still didn’t want to come home. I wanted more time to myself, with my friends, on the beach. I thought about how many times in my pre-baby life I’d thought about moving to the beach and being a beach-bum for a living. I’d be good at it. I could spend 8-10 hours a day on the beach renting out chairs and umbrellas…hell, I think I was made for that job. I dreaded coming home. And, yes, I certainly do realize EXACTLY how bad that sounds.
At one point, my wishful thinking included Kira as I considered the thought of her and I heading off to the sand and shores. I tried to include Vince, although that was more dificult since he isn’t exactly a beach loving person, but I did try.
After much debate and reverie during my final moments in the sand and surf, I realized that all these thoughts are a direct result of one thing and one thing only:
I still long for the freedom to come and go as I please. The freedom to walk out the door and not come back, even though I am by nature a more responsible person than that. The freedom to take a loooong vacation and to move to the beach for good, if I so choose. The freedom to vacation with Vince where ever we want to go. The freedom to grab my wallet and go shopping on a whim. To lay out in the sun and read a book for hours on end. To go have a drink with my friends, to do whatever, whenever, wherever…
I still long for that freedom…
It makes me feel incredibly selfish and guilty, even just thinking it.
I love Kira in a way that I have never loved anyone, anything…and that is saying so much, because I love hard everytime I love. But this is so different, loving this child that grew inside my body. This child that looks like me, this child who has my blood pumping through her veins, her heart.
I would never even consider leaving her, I can’t even get a clear image of what my life from this point on would be like without her, and God forbid if anything ever takes her from me…I can’t even try to think how I would/could go on, it makes me tremble and shudder at even the thought. Even with all that love…even still, I wish for the freedom I know I can never have.
I am curious if it ever goes away. If this is something all parents feel or if my being thirty-something as a first time parent makes this feeling even stronger.
I’d love to hear what you have to say on the subject.