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Discovering motherhood…one poopy diaper at a time.

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Posts Tagged ‘dreams’

Uh…that would be the cartoon characters, not the half-naked, dancing men.

Yeah, so I have been sleeping MUCH better lately.  Yay for the melatonin supplement I’ve been taking!  It really works, apparently, as I am actually able to fall and mostly stay asleep and even have REM cycles.  I really like REM cycles.  I am a SERIOUSLY ANGRY BEAR when I am sleep deprived.

Oh…a little side note for those of you who think like my husband…I am taking melaTONIN, not melaNOMA.  Seriously, he is so weird.

But anyway, back to my dreams.  I am dreaming and remembering them, which is like being reunited with an old friend of mine.  I love remembering my dreams, they add extra color to my life.

So, this particular dream, myself, my husband, my friends, and (yes) Chip and Dale the cartoon characters from the days of yore are on a fishing boat in the ocean and we are fishing for sharks of all things.   We aren’t having much luck, so Chip (or perhaps Dale, as if it matters, lol) offer to be the bait.  This works, we catch a shark.  Then, when we are certain that Chip (or is it Dale?) has met his fate inside the belly of this ginormous shark, his voice startles all of us as he is looking on wondering what we are all doing standing around looking at a shark.

Then I woke up to a screaming baby.

Don’t you wish you knew what happens next?  I doubt it!

In case the friends are reading this, I intend to name you so that you  know I have weird dreams about sharks and cartoon chipmunks (wearing next to nothing!) and YOU ARE INCLUDED!  Heather, Dan and Athena…you were all there!!  Mwahahahahaha!!!

I have recently been considering how important it is to me that my little girl grows up knowing the value of self.  Specifically, I have been thinking what we, her parents, need to be certain to make happen during her impressionable years so that she grows into an adult that knows her self-worth.

There have been a few things recently that I have been experiencing that have put this thought in my head:

  1. doing research to determine a price for my photography based on others locally who I consider to be comparable to my own quality.
  2. being networked to so many friends, both from past and present, who are presently (or are considering) going back to school to embark on a completely new career path
  3. based on items 1 and 2, contemplating how I see myself and how that will ultimately effect Kira as she grows up and develops her own self-worth

This has been a HUGE eye-opener for me.  HUGE, with a capital G.

I find my value being considerably less than it should be when I breakdown my internal dialogue.  This is not good.  This is not acceptable.

I am so proud of all my friends that are chasing down dreams and making them real, especially after having settled into a routine for so long.  It makes me want to do the same, to really go after what I have always wanted.  To make a reality of the things I put to the back corner of my mind so many years ago.

When I think of making this a reality, it is then my excuses become innumerable.

That is when I realized exactly how important having a family support system is.  To have people who openly, verbally believe in you and encourage you.

I am not going to digress into my own childhood here and ramble on about it.  I will, however, say this much:  I had people that believed in and encouraged me during my childhood and adolescence.  I also had someone I greatly admired that verbally tore me to shreds and diminished every chance for me to feel good and worthy of good.  For every word of encouragement or support, there were hundreds of words berating, belittling and breaking me down.  These words have carried some weight throughout my life, as is always the case with negativity, but I believed that I had left much of the past behind me up til now.

Now, more than ever, I have to face this and repair it.  It is of dire importance for Kira’s sake that I not only be the best person I can be, but that I practice what I preach to her, as well.  I can’t just say, “Know your self-worth!” to her, not if it will make a hypocrite of me.

I have a huge obstacle ahead of me that I must hurdle.  I will be digging deep to clear out any remaining negative thoughts and the voice I hear that says, “You can’t do that, you aren’t smart enough, good enough, capable enough.  You missed your opportunity.  You threw it all away”.  I also have to find my way past a maze of excuses like “you don’t have enough time, you should really be more realistic, you are taking away from your family, and your husband shouldn’t have to endure the financial burden of your dream chasing”.

The truth is, myself as well as my family will pay a higher price if I never chase my dreams…

(P.S.  It is amazingly difficult to make such a bold statement of my shortcomings.  But I believe the truth and facing the truth head on will be what makes all the difference in setting me free from this toxic thinking.  I also believe there are probably a lot of you out there, perhaps reading this right now, that feel very similarly.  I hope you find a way to overcome your own negative self-image, no matter the nature or origin of it.)